Tell Me What Your Future Holds...

I realize it has been weeks since I last left you with an update on life here in Spain. I had an almost complete post read to be published, but decided to sit on it and wait. It began a little something like this....

Last year at Mount Holyoke, my whole plan of getting my teacher's licensure, went haywire. Being too late to start applying to graduate schools, I accepted the new proposed plan of teaching in Spain. I wasn't very excited about it at all; that had never been something I had wanted to do. But I listened to the advice of my professor and did it. After all, I would at least have a plan for the next year, and a job, something many of my friends are still searching for. At first I was unsure about being placed in Fuengirola. I arrived and slowly began to get accustomed to my new home. While I was physically here, my mind was elsewhere the first few weeks. I was planning for my future, spending hours in front of my computer screen while writing personal statements, writing samples, and filling out applications to graduate school. It was the second half of my plan for this year. Teach in Spain, apply to grad school. And while I am totally a planner, I began to start to feel as if I wasn't really living in the moment. Somewhere within the first six weeks of being here I realized this, and with it, that maybe teaching in Spain isn't supposed to be a one year gig for me. Maybe it's something I would enjoy for two years.

So as I said, I applied to graduate school, finishing my applications in December while at home. Recently I just heard from two schools and was accepted at both. The program at the University of Georgia is a Master's which would take two years. The program at UC Berkeley is a PhD and would take six years.

So here is my dilemma: once I begin graduate school (especially a PhD program), there is no real going back. There's no stopping midway through a degree because life gets in the way. There's no picking up and moving to Spain to really LIVE my life instead of just planning it. My mind is flooded with questions: What about happiness? What is it anyway? Is it waking up smiling, knowing that you're going to be challenged in all sorts of ways, and that you'll be alive at the end of the day? Is it being surrounded by people who make you feel good? It is immersing yourself in something new and allowing that to become part of yourself? It is feeling that you have found your center? While I'm not sure that's what happiness is, that's how I feel every moment. For the first time in a long time I feel truly good, like I am LIVING my life. And now here is my next question: Why should we ever chose to leave a situation we are extremely happy in? Why should we ever give up an opportunity to continue? My entire life has been about making good decisions that make me a better person, that enrich my life in all sorts of ways. It's been about find new things to add to my personal growth. And for once I am not blindly taking the advice of my superiors and truly asking myself, if I am not doing any harm to myself by being here, why should I move forward? Why should I leave? I don't feel as if I am ready to leave, and I know that if I am in the US next year, I am going to be constantly asking myself why I missed out on such a fantastic opportunity.

Much has changed since I started to write that post. In reading through the department websites, I realized it would not be possible to defer for a year. And after hours upon hours and hundreds of dollars spent throughout the application process, I was not about the repeat it. In the end, I was accepted at all five universities, and thus began my decision process.

• Boston University: Accepted. No financial aid. Out of the question.
• University of Georgia: Accepted. Teaching Assistantship, tuition waived.
• University of Oregon: Accepted. Teaching Assistantship, tuition waived.
• Boston College: Accepted. Teaching Assistantship, merit scholarship for full-tuition.
• UC Berkeley: Accepted. Teaching Assistantship, tuition waived.
  

While each of these schools have great programs, I decided it was really between UC Berkeley, a six-year PhD program, and Boston College, and two-year MA program. As exciting as it was to be accepted to Berkeley, the six-years were a little daunting. What if I don't like it? What about the state of the Californian economy? What happens if they pass the $500 million budget cuts to the UC system? What about academic resources? As I do not study contemporary literature, it makes more sense to be on the East Coast, with access to the libraries at Harvard, Yale, Brown, BU and the many other institutions in New England. (As you can see, I was starting to feel that BC would be the best bet.) Another factor about being at Berkeley was the proximity to home. While fantastic for millions of reasons, it is for exactly those reasons that made me think twice about being so close to home: six-years in a PhD program takes a lot of concentration. While at first thought the idea of living at home seemed fantastic, I began to think about it and imagine what it would be like. All I could picture was struggling to find a good balance between family and study. Perhaps this paints me as not-so-good of a person, but I believe the distance is necessary. I will be able to focus on my work while in Boston, and really enjoy my family when I come home. I won't feel as though I have to walk a fine line of balancing everything at the same time. The other wonderful thing about going to BC is that it is a two-year program, which will allow me to further assess my future once I am in the midst of my studies and not have to make a decision right now. While I am 90% positive I would like to enter academia, I have never been in a graduate school class. While a PhD is a more advanced degree, it is also prohibiting in terms of what jobs I would be able to take. Leaving with a MA in Spanish will permit me to enter a different field or different level of education, if need be. Lately I have been thinking about being a professor at a study abroad program here in Spain. It would have to be a smaller program, and I think I would like to work in a less popular city, as this would greatly affect the type of students I would be teaching.

En fin, come the beginning of September, I will be moving to Boston to start a Master's program in Hispanic Studies, under the Department of Romance Languages and Literatures at Boston College. It is also quite possible that I will live with my dear friend Zeinab, a fellow Mount Holyoke alumna from the class of 2010. We met during the summer of 2005 at a leadership conference and have been friends since. If all goes well, we will live together in the Brookline/Chestnut Hill area starting in September.

Getting back to my original post and upon much reflection, I have really learned something this year. I have learned to live in the moment in a way in which I never have before. I have taken every opportunity to travel around Spain, immerse myself in the rich history, culture and tradition. I have learned not to hold back, to actually live each day to its fullest potential and to rejoice in the small things. While many times I feel extremely sad when thinking I will not be back here next year, I have decided I am going to make the most of my time and ENJOY it.


Weekends since February: Trips we have taken, Plans we have made.

Feb 4-6: Marmolejo to visit Alicia's family AND learn how to make flamenquines, courtesy of Alicia's mom, Isabel.

Feb 11-13: La Mancha, specifically Almagro, Consuegra, Puerto Lapice, and Castillo de Calatrava. An absolutely amazing trip. Beautiful weather, towns filled with so much history. Windmills, Don Quijote's "castle", and the last surviving theater from the 17th century!

Feb 18-20: Ruky and Rachel came to visit. We went to Antequera.

Feb 25-Mar 6: Semana Blanca. My Aunt Lynne and cousins Andrew and Audrey came to visit. We went to Mijas, Malaga, Gibraltar, Ronda and Sevilla. We had SUCH a great week! From monkeys in Gibraltar to a night out in Sevilla to remember, it was definitely one of the best weeks I have ever had in Spain.

Mar 11-13: Fuengirola. Massive spring cleaning.

Mar 18-20: Jaen, Ubeda, Baeza

Mar 25-27: Fuengirola

Apr 1-3: Ruky visits. Granada

Apr 8-10: Toledo

Apr 15-19: (First half of Semana Santa) Merida, Caceres, Trujillo, Avila, Segovia, Alcala de Hernares

Apr 20-24: (Second half of Semana Santa) Cordoba, Marmolejo

Apr 29-May 1: Romeria de la Virgen de la Cabeza. SO excited!

May 6-8: Cordoba for la Cata and los Patios, two of Cordoba's famous happenings in May.

May 13-15: Algarve, Portugal. We scored the amazing deal: Two people, two nights, 5 Star Hotel, 66sq-km suite, Breakfast included. Value: 340 euro. We're paying 99. Yup, that's 25/person/night.

May 20-22: Fuengirola??? Sevilla?

May 27-29: Feria de Cordoba.

Eventually I am coming home... haha... Probably around June 13th or so. As you can see, we are definitely taking advantage of the time I am here. Once I get home, our travels will be on hold until July 12th when Alicia arrives in San Francisco. Then we will resume, this time in California! She is staying until August 24th. Beyond excited. :)

Jack Kerouac listed 30 "essentials" in his "Belief and Technique for Modern Prose". Number four reads:

4. Be in love with your life.

Why yes, sir, I am.